Father, Son, and a Flat Tire

Men are constantly searching for validation. As Eldredge once wrote, “Men will spend all of their lives asking the question, ‘Do I have what it takes? Can I come through when it counts?”

Our culture and society offer us men a cheap counterfeit when it comes to validation these days: power and/or affluence. Holding a place of authority, owning a padded bank account, or the seductive combo of both is the popular answer to our question. The problem is these things aren’t rooted in anything deep or meaningful. They are a topical ointment covering up deeper issues of our hearts.

I get super excited and feel good when I have an energizing meeting at work, sell a few memberships, or have a good session with a new client. But the emotional high wears off after a few hours and not much internally has shifted for me. These things aren't necessarily bad, they just aren’t enough. Ultra success via drivenness at work and finances isn’t what we need.

We need something more.

We need a flat tire on an unimportant Thursday morning in February. We need that Thursday morning to be about -7 degrees with a slight breeze. And we need the oh shit factor.

God gave me this exact scenario today. My oh shit factor? It went something like this:

“I know how to change a flat...I’ve just never actually done it before--all by myself anyway.”

My oh shit factor quickly went from insecurity, anger, and depression to something a bit more settled and confident.

I can't quite explain it. It wasn't swagger.

It was a slowly growing assurance in one simple but profound truth I continue to lean into: There is a Father. I am his son. And he loves to initiate me deeper into genuine masculinity.

So I threw on some leather work gloves my dad bought me, borrowed a car jack from one of my generalist mentors, and ventured out into the frozen tundra they call Kirksville Missouri.

And I changed that stinkin' tire. I got more than a delicious emotional buzz I get from a good day at the office. That’s a counterfeit.

I got the real deal. I got validation in the truest sense.

Morgan Snyder sums up the current state of most men in America today: “We've outsourced masculinity.”

We seek our validation by specializing in one specific skill set that we are gifted at, and outsource everything else. To put it simply we’ve gone limp---we’re soft serve ice cream.

Leaky faucet? Piss on that. Call the plumber.

Broken light switch? Don’t have time for that. Call the electrician.

Shrubs need tending to? Let me call the local landscape grunts.

Men pursue lives of comfort and insulate themselves by making enough money to outsource the very things that make us men. Take the wealthy businessman for example. He has enough money to outsource any hindrance and doesn't have to “worry about a thing.” It looks like strength from the outside, but its a house of cards. Inside something atrophies in our masculine hearts when we don’t have mastery over things we own. It isn't about being the ultimate handyman, its about a shift in the way we view our world. It's about a shift in the way we view adversity whether it's a flat tire or a failed marriage. It is in the disruptions of adversity--big and small--that our character is forged and our masculinity strengthened.

“I don’t fish. I don't golf. I don’t cut the lawn. Football is my life.”- Joe Paterno.
Joe Pa didn't have time to be humbled by the disruptions of changing the oil in his car or cutting his own lawn--He was too busy winning football games.

His ability to lead and coach was extraordinary. One of the best of all time, without question. Unfortunately, 70+ years of fierce mastery over his profession didn't translate to 70+ years of fierce mastery over his own heart and soul.

Success without a good heart and deeply rooted character is actually the worst kind of failure.

Joe faced a rather dark issue, an issue I hope I never have to face as a coach. But he turned his back when his strength as a man was needed most. The problem was he had no strength to offer as a man. Football was his life. He quite literally had no capacity to speak up or say anything on behalf of the young man being sexually abused by a coach on his staff. In the face of a circumstance that desperately needed him to be a man, he was paralyzed.

Work, money or a combination of the two never answer our question. And when we take our question to these two arenas, it not only harms us but harms others.

Only the Original Source of masculinity can bestow the deeply genuine and personal validation our hearts crave. 

We are his sons. He is our Father. Run to him.

***Note: This post was only made possible through the strong life that Morgan Snyder courageously leads. He is a good man and he is full of life. His blog and podcasts are definitely worth your time. They have nourished me on my journey to becoming a man. Check them out here ->http://www.becomegoodsoil.com/ ***